Can't Believe God is doing this in me...

I've written and re-written this entry three, four, five times now.

I'm, obviously, finding it hard to write what has been going on in my head, my heart... my life in the past month.

Everything now links to something that happened before, and that links to something that happened before that. So, to explain it all I'd have to go back to the very beginning and that'd be boring for everyone.

So where do I start? What do I say?

I guess I can say I've been faced with a reality that I've known in my head all my life, but haven't necessarily seen up close and personal for a long time. (just wrote and deleted again!)

I've been teaching Sunday school for grade 6&7 girls for the last month.  To say this is something out of my comfort zone is an understatement.  Just because I've been in youth ministry for 12 years, and just because my husband is awesome with teenagers doesn't mean that I am!  In fact, I stink at it!!! ESPECIALLY with girls. I can hit it off with boys far more easily than girls- maybe because I am in the middle of two brothers?  In my last drafts I've explained how it came about that I am teaching this class, but really it's not that important.

What's important to me, and I think to God... no, I KNOW to God, is who these girls are and where they are at in life.  The Sunday school curriculum, as good as it is, is completely irrelevant and not useful at all.  If these girls had grown up in church all their lives then I could do something with it. If they'd grown up in America or a 1st world country, then they could relate to it, but they didn't and they can't.  The kids I've tried to work with for the past 10 years are from a different culture, different economic class, different educational experience, and different language!  I realized I could not at all be useful to these girls unless I got to know them, and them me. What right did I have to ask them deep and personal questions when I couldn't even say their name or know where they lived?

There are two white girls in the class, they don't come regularly, and they are the type of kids that Sheldon and I relate to on a regular basis.  There's one Indian girl, but from a culture much like the white girls, and the rest are black. Not all are Zulu as some come from Zimbabwe, and one from Swaziland.  English is the 2nd or 3rd language for all but 2 of them. 5 of the girls come from homes with both a mom and dad AT home, which is quite startling actually. I was surprised the number was that high. One girl lives with her grandmother (a common occurrence in South Africa) and 3 of the girls are from Uzwelo (the orphanage).  There are 3 girls who I can't get to speak- at least not more than one word at a time. (Actually, it was one of these 3 who asked me, "Who wrote the Bible?"  Hey- a  legit question if you grew up TOTALLY different than I did!!!!! It seems an obvious answer to me, but why should it be obvious to them?)

(deleting again!)

I guess where I'm at is here:  as others in my shoes well know, but 99.9% of the world doesn't- there is no written material to help me reach out to these girls.  I'm totally, 100% ill-equipped in that sense. No amount of college education in America, no amount of Christian high school, and not 10 years of youth ministry in South Africa has prepared me for this.  There's no information on the Internet (I know, b/c I have searched) to help me reach out and understand this demographic.

So to find myself in a teaching position, which terrifies me, with pre-teen/young teenage (scary) girls (scarier!), and nothing to launch off of. All this has led me to once place- on my knees.  I'm totally at God's mercy and utterly reliant upon His grace.

The strangest thing for me is that I was meant to fill in for just 6 weeks. I could muddle through that time with them, but after 4 weeks I found myself contacting their teacher asking if I could stay with them. What? What was I doing? SHE is a GOOD teacher. She's lived in South Africa her WHOLE life... she's FAR more equipped than I to lead these girls... she said it was a burden off of her shoulders due to having a toddler with another on the way, and she was so grateful I was willing to do this.

I never know what each Sunday will hold. Some weeks the hour has flown past- the girls opened up to me, cried, and shared some of their stories. Other weeks they've been near silent, not giving me any feed back and I think "Oh God, please help me! I'm wasting their time. They probably think I'm such a moron and they want their old teacher back."   This past Sunday was like that. I tried to relate a Bible story into their lives (about Jesus helping us when we cry out to Him) but it seemed to fall flat. No one participated in the discussion and I could only do a "lesson" for so long (about 5min probably). I finally said to them, "you girls can be dismissed if you like. I don't know what else to say to you. You're very quiet today. I'd love to chat to you and get to know you more, and you me, but I can't do anything if you don't talk.  You can ask me anything you want..."  silence.

I went to Sheldon after church, totally frustrated, and said, "this is SO not going well. What am I doing with these girls? I'm sure they hate this class. And oh, they asked me if they could get together after school tomorrow and have a Valentines' Day picnic."  Sheldon said, "what? what do you mean it's not going well? it's not going well so much that they want to spend time with you and each other outside of church?"  I stepped back from myself and thought "OK... i guess it can't be all that bad!"  They did come, although some of them 40 min late, and they were VERY quiet. But they did have fun and at the end they actually said "thank you!" which shows me they appreciated it.

This is a work of God and God alone, but I am so grateful He's chosen me to be a part of it all.

I'm sorry that this made no sense. I've spent like 2 hours trying to write it out in a way that conveys all I'm thinking and feeling, but I know I've blown it and I'm tired and ready to sign off...

I feel so privileged to be a part of what the Lord is doing here... I only hope He can continue to use me in spite of me!

Until next time...